My
journey and transformation from conservative, fundamental Christian
to Agnostic Atheist was not a fast or easy one.
I
know that for many members of my immediate family, it was as though I
went from Good Christian Girl to Apostate –
seemingly overnight. The reality is; that eventual outcome was the
result of about seven years of doubt, fear, searching, researching
and emotional turmoil. The biggest turmoil, of course, came near the
end of the transformation, when I came out to my family as a
non-believer, but that’s a post for another day. Over my next
series of posts, titled "On the Journey" with various
subtitles, I hope to give a glimpse into that those years and to
present my Ex-timony, or the story of my deconversion from
Christianity.
As
I mentioned in a previous
post,
when I was in my mid-teens I began to experience bouts of depression
that were (to me) inexplicable and confusing. I cried out to a god
who I desperately wished would acknowledge my pleas, but to no avail.
I remember telling my parents that I was so sad, but I didn’t
understand why, because I had been taught for so long that when
anything was bad or sad in my life, it meant that I simply needed to
focus more on God because God was trying to teach me something or was
reprimanding me for not being focused on him. If I refocused hard
enough he would fix it (or not) depending on his ultimate plan. When
I graduated from (a private, Christian) high school I had neither the
grades nor the ambition to attend a university and I transitioned
directly into community college without knowing who I really was,
what I wanted to do, or how to handle my spiraling depression. I
spent about 7 years at that community college, shifting from major to
major, and flunking out of numerous classes because I just didn't
care. I had sunken deep into apathy, and I still couldn't understand
why.
As
is the case with many religious kids who grew up in The Christian
Bubble™ (the protective, exclusive environment that keeps kids from
“secular” influences) attending a public community college was a
serious culture shock. I grew up in Southern California, which is
fairly liberal in its political leanings, and is fairly diverse in
its demographics. I had grown up in a racially and ethnically diverse
environment, but for the most part I had only ever been surrounded by
theists of some flavor or another. Suddenly being in an environment
where I couldn't be certain that everyone believed in God was both
disconcerting and liberating. I was suddenly forced to acknowledge
that much of what I had assumed everyone just KNEW, because I had
been taught that way, was not known by the majority
of the people I was now surrounded by on a daily basis.
I
had spent the whole of my formative years growing up in a world and
religion that told me what and who to be. Rather than feel encouraged
to take pride and joy in my achievements and talents, I was taught
that pride was a sin and all my talents were god given and that I
should “give that glory back to god.” I’m sure this is a mantra
that many ex-fundies are familiar with; the almost constant
grating down of the self. I had no idea how to BE without religion,
and no concept that such being was even possible. I thought that
everyone, deep down inside, knew that God was real
and that he was the god of the bible. I wholeheartedly swallowed
the religious defense mechanism that non-Christians were all
unhappy, immoral deviants who were deluded about their beliefs. With
that belief that came belief in the follow up defense mechanism; That
atheists in particular were miserable, sin-soaked people who God
had "given over unto disbelief."
So,
to be suddenly entrenched in a world where there were people who were
out atheist, Buddhist, Hindu, Muslim, as well as many of sects of
Christianity that I had never really had any exposure to, was
stunning. I started hearing different points of views, not just
knowing that there were differing views, but hearing them,
and understanding the basis for them. I took a philosophy class for
the first time, and started learning how to think
instead of what to think. I began to allow myself to
have questions about my faith and system of faith, instead of
assuming that such questions were human doubt that needed to be
squashed by prayer.
One
of the big Christian-faith warnings is: Beware being friends with
"The World." This is another of those defense mechanisms:
When you are exposed to many differing worldviews, when you start
exploring and questioning your own worldview with the same logic and
criticisms that you use on others, when you step OUTSIDE of
that Bubble and honestly question and evaluate your
beliefs, the supernatural world starts to fall apart.
In
the end, I am so glad that I ended up in the community college,
because it afforded me the freedom and friendships that eventually
led to my freedom from religion.
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